Top Secret Lab May or May Not Have Released Genetically Engineered Giant Shark Eggs into Great Lakes
BY PARKER MARSHALL
CHICAGO, IL – An anonymous whistleblower has come forward stating he may or may not have accidentally released genetically modified megalodon eggs into Lake Michigan. The megalodon, is a prehistoric behemoth species of shark, believed to have gone extinct millions of years ago. Sources reveal the genetically engineered creature was created as a solution for the invasive Asian carp.
In his statement, the whistleblower admitted to accidentally releasing a vial containing eggs labeled with the words “Mr. Crunch.” However, he expressed uncertainty as to whether the vial contained the enhanced protein gene-infused whitefish or the genetically altered megalodon with genes expressing gigantism. The individual expressed deep regret over the unintended consequences of his actions and acknowledged the potential dangers associated with the release of the latter species into the delicate ecosystem of Lake Michigan.
The megalodon was chosen as the ideal candidate due to its massive size and unparalleled hunting skills and had also been genetically modified to survive and thrive in freshwater environments. While freshwater whitefish is known for its mild flavor and is commonly smoked and made into local northern Michigan culinary delicacies such as whitefish dip.
The whistleblower stated this aquatic monster, capable of reaching lengths up to 700 feet, possesses the extraordinary ability to swallow an American Ohio-class nuclear submarine whole. Rumors have begun to circulate that this particular specimen may have unexpected developmental ties to China’s People’s Liberation Army Navy (PLAN), raising concerns of a possible international incident.
To make matters worse—or, perhaps, weirder—the whistleblower also revealed that the megalodon may have the ability to reproduce asexually. This means that a single shark could potentially spawn an entire population, causing an explosion in megalodon numbers. Michigan residents may have to start familiarizing themselves with the notion of sharing their beloved Great Lakes with a resurrected apex predator that has not roamed the Earth for millions of years.
With the looming threat of a megafauna patrolling the waters of Lake Michigan, numerous events and activities scheduled on the lake may face the unfortunate reality of being postponed or even canceled altogether. The sheer size and voracious appetite of the megalodon raise significant concerns about the safety of boats and watercraft, making it risky to proceed with various recreational and competitive events. Sailboat races, fishing tournaments, yacht parties, and even peaceful pleasure cruises could potentially fall victim to the insatiable hunger of this colossal predator. The presence of a megalodon in Lake Michigan would undoubtedly cast a shadow over the region’s maritime activities, forcing organizers and enthusiasts alike to reconsider their plans and prioritize safety above all else.
The Dodo Foundation, a renowned organization specializing in the reverse engineering of extinct species, based in Wuhan, China, (which has a branch in Milwaukee) has vehemently denied any involvement in the megalodon incident unfolding in Lake Michigan. In an official statement, the foundation’s spokesperson asserted, “We categorically deny any connection to the release of a genetically engineered shark into Lake Michigan. The Dodo Foundation’s research and initiatives are strictly focused on the revival of recently extinct species for conservation purposes. We have no interest or involvement in creating bioengineered creatures for potential military applications or disruptive purposes. Any insinuation linking us to this incident is baseless and misleading.”
In response to the potential presence of a genetically engineered megalodon in Lake Michigan, the office of Governor Gretchen Whitmer released a statement. “As Governor of Michigan, I find myself addressing an unexpected situation that has captured the attention of the nation—the potential presence of a mutated gigantic shark in Lake Michigan. While it is crucial to prioritize public safety and take necessary precautions, I believe it’s essential to find a silver lining in even the most peculiar circumstances.
Michigan has always been known for its breathtaking natural beauty, and this unprecedented event provides us with a unique opportunity to showcase our state to the world. We can leverage the curiosity surrounding the megalodon to attract tourists who seek thrilling experiences and a chance to witness history in the making. Imagine the buzz of excitement as people gather along the shores, eagerly hoping for a glimpse of this legendary creature. From hotels and restaurants to local businesses, the potential for increased tourism and economic growth is undeniable.
In light of this situation, I propose the designation of “Shark Week” as a weeklong holiday in Michigan. Inspired by the popular television event, this holiday would not only celebrate our rich aquatic heritage but also raise awareness about marine conservation and the importance of preserving our natural resources. It would be a time for educational events, public forums, and engaging activities that would not only entertain but also enlighten residents and visitors about the wonders of our underwater world.
I understand the concerns about safety, and we must approach this situation with caution. Working closely with marine experts and ensuring proper guidance, we can strike a balance between embracing the unique circumstances and ensuring the well-being of our citizens and visitors. Public safety remains our top priority, and we will take every necessary step to mitigate any potential risks associated with the megalodon’s presence in our beloved Great Lakes System.
Let us turn this extraordinary turn of events into an opportunity to showcase Michigan’s resilience, adaptability, and spirit of adventure. By seizing this moment, we can transform what could be perceived as a crisis into a captivating chapter in our state’s tourism industry, captivating visitors from near and far and leaving them with memories that will last a lifetime.
Together, we can navigate these uncharted waters and chart a course that benefits Michigan, its residents, and the thriving tourism industry we are proud to call our own.”
In a strongly worded response, former Republican candidate Tudor Dixon expressed deep concern about the potential threat posed by the Godzilla sized shark in Lake Michigan. “Governor Whitmer’s attempt to downplay the severity of the situation is deeply troubling. The threat of being devoured by a massive shark should not be taken lightly.”
President Biden, also commented when asked his opinion of the presence of a genetically engineered megalodon in Lake Michigan “Well, you know, folks, the megalodon situation in Lake Michigan is a big deal. Big deal. But let me tell you, Michigan should seriously consider making the Jaws theme song their state song. It’s catchy, folks. It’s got that dun-dun…dun-dun…dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, you know? Gets you in the mood, ready for some…swimming, I suppose. So, Michigan, I urge you, consider the Jaws theme as your state song. It’s a real winner.”
While President Biden’s offbeat remark about the Jaws theme as Michigan’s state song may have been intended as a lighthearted comment, it missed the mark in addressing the pressing issues surrounding the megalodon presence. The public and experts alike continue to seek substantial guidance and assurances regarding the safety and well-being of those who utilize the Great Lakes.
In response to the recent developments regarding the release of the eggs in Lake Michigan, The Dodo Foundation has released a statement speculating on the potential origins of the megalodon eggs. The foundation suggests that these eggs could have a zoonotic origin, possibly stemming from a natural evolutionary process rather than intentional genetic engineering. They also raise the intriguing possibility that the eggs could be a result of unconventional experimentation involving vegan meat alternatives. “With advancements in plant-based protein synthesis and genetic manipulation, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that these eggs could be the unintended outcome of experiments pushing the boundaries of sustainable food sources.”
Only time will tell whether the residents of Michigan will soon find themselves sharing their waters with an ancient giant or if this is just another chapter in the ever-peculiar chronicles of scientific mishaps. In the meantime, it might be wise to invest in some extra-large fishing nets and maybe reconsider those weekend boat trips.